How to Pay your Children back

If your kids are driving you crazy, and you want to pay them back somehow for all the hell and torment they inflict upon you on a daily basis, I recommend the following strategies:

1. Taking a car ride, putting on the oldies station, and singing as loud as you can. Kids hate the sound of your singing voice. And luckily these days bands like Guns n Roses play on the oldies station, so there's a wide range of songs out there. I highly recommend anything by Paul McCartney and Wings for this.

2. Telling the story of "Charles: Your first child". Your kids will be amazed that you have another child. Where is their brother Charles? Well, maybe you gave him to the gypsies. Maybe he lives under the house. Maybe he was kidnapped long, long ago. It's hard to say what happened to your first, most favorite child....

3. Scaring them right before bed. It's amazing how gullible kids are. I've had Colin believe that the circus was in town. You know that circus where the clowns were under arrest for murder, but escaped police custody? It was all over the news today, didn't you see it? The escaped clowns were last seen somewhere near this very neighborhood. Hey, did you hear a noise outside the window? No? Well, night night. Sweet dreams, Kiddo.

If you think I'm a mean, horrible mother, then I invite you to eat dinner sometime at my house. You try eating a nice, relaxing meal while two wildebeests fight over place mats, seating arrangements, plate color, or food served.